As I listen to: ‘Mess her up’ by Amy Shark, I feel the drive to write a much needed, promised post on me babbling about what I think the world is about but know so little about. For fun, for a way to express this wild mind of mine, and to be true to myself.
So it was time to reflect and laugh about my 28 years of existence. First of all, how the hell did 28 years creep up on me this fast? It only felt like I was 21 dancing in Cruz to the worst music possible winging at life with a lot more structure than I have now 😛
On my 28th birthday a lot of things happened, this isn’t the time nor place to share but what that moment really taught me was that: relationships really are the core to our existence. And these friendships, relationships can change or end in a matter of seconds NO MATTER HOW GOOD OR KIND YOU ARE TO PEOPLE. People that you really trust with all your heart can lie straight to your face and there really is nothing you can do about it, but identify and catch this behaviour. I am still trying to figure out how to push or move forward from this and I think I really got a wake up call that the world isn’t this nice, bubbly world that I imagined it to be. Literally, you live and you LEARN. It does not make sense to me because I do not lie and don’t know how people do but there are these people out there. If you can fill me in on any answers towards this, that would be great.
Long story, short. I have reevaluated and reshuffled some friendships in my life. What has prevailed is family, my dear brother that loves me no matter how I fail, what mistakes I make. He continues to believe that I am such a special human being in this world. Cherish these people, forgive those that are dealing with their inner demons but do not let them manipulate you or use your kindness against you, stand up for yourself when people try to bring you down and act cool and ALWAYS be your biggest supporter. When you fight against your own inner demons, it is possible to enable them to win. So do not let them.
If you are reading this post, let us talk about disappointment.
Firstly, the feeling is something that I do not want you to have to ever deal with but the reality is: you will. Some a lot, some more that a lot and others I guess will have a lucky run which is good for the now but in the long run will probably be your downfall and literally bite you in the bum (good luck soldiers).
So with disappointment how do we cope? Have you had to deal with it? Well it sucks doesn’t it? The most bitter disappointment is WHEN YOU KNEW THAT YOU COULD HAVE PROBABLY STOPPED THE INEVITABLE FROM HAPPENING. First, FORGIVE YOURSELF, tell yourself one of those rainbow glittery sayings like “everything happens for a reason”, “life sucks” haha ANYTHING that makes you feel better, do it (apart from the hard things I guess) and I guess start feeling the pain of this disappointment and acknowledge that it exists.
I can’t tell you that it will hurt any less or that there is a perfect way but all I can speak from is my EXPERIENCES and a person who has had to deal with a lot of lows (disappointments). Every disappointment, I deal with differently, every situation forces me to find a new level of myself that I never knew was possible. Call it learning, call it some buzzy concept like “growth mindset” or even better, “shit happens”, call it whatever you want.
Just know, that it is NORMAL to feel disappointment in your life or a lot of times in your life. There is a 50/50 zone when you are feeling disappointment.
Next post. Finding yourself again after disappointment.
I am so sorry to tell you this…BUT there will be some days where football sucks, it will not only just suck. It will ruin your day, it will ruin your night, it will make you doubt yourself, it may make you do none of these things, it may make you want to prove the naysayers wrong, it could do a lot of things BUT from my experience, there will be days where football is just going to SUCK and there is nothing really good to say about it. I understand the feeling too well and empathise with you. I can’t always tell you that it will be ok, because it won’t BUT I will give you hope. That it will only take one game, one game for everything to click for you to feel like you love the game again. And you do love the game. You just don’t like everything that comes with it.
Live with it, use it to be better. There will be a team for you, there will be, you just need to TRUST that with hard work you will get better and continue getting better.
On those days especially, I want you to be good to yourself (I know that it is easier said than done). I want you to really take in this blog post and UNDERSTAND that there are thousands of people out there who would LOVE to be you. However, that thinking does give me perspective but not enough these days. What keeps me going is being kind to myself. I watch my game, I take in what I can from feedback (I do not let people, even coaches perspectives drown my inner soul), I focus on what I did, what I can do better and I MOVE the hell on.
I forgive myself. Yes, that is right, I forgive myself for being so mean and having these expectations on myself. I move on and realise that I am my investment, and I will continue working on my craft. It will get better. It will get better.
Featured Photo by: rawpixel.com from Pexels
I’ve learnt a lot this year, maybe 6 years of learning in the period of 1 year…I have been in situations that no person should ever be in and I hope to God that you are not…I have kept a lot to myself and battled on, I have sacrificed maybe nearly every part of myself for the game but do not regret it at all, I have become such a better player because of it and so many more things that have happened but this post is derailing from the main purpose so I will stop… but the main thing that I have learnt is… That I will never again do anything that does not align with my spirit, who I am and what my spirit wants to make it whole because you can’t betray your soul, you can but the things that make you sing and shine from the inside out cannot hide or be suppressed and it is a losing battle. Have you ever fought your soul? Well call me strange but I fight it now. It is one of the craziest feelings to know that your purpose is more than you think or can imagine. That there is MORE for you in this massive big world although you don’t feel ready or want it.
So I really am going to continue to follow my passion, I love football very much and it is still my passion but there is a passion that is even stronger that has been bursting to be let out for sometime and that is my passion to start my own English Language Business. To be to help others and to be one of the leading academics in my field so then I can help and advise and give love, motivation to those who need my help and how I think.
This journey of my life is and has been the craziest 27 years. My dad said to me the other day. Aimee, you have to settle eventually. Maybe it is true but maybe it is not or maybe some people are meant to be sent on this earth to live lives that aren’t “settling” or looked as the normal. All I know is that I have to let my spirit be happy. Truly happy. Like jumping out of this world happy and let it live the way it was meant to live on this planet.
Love you all,
There is so much more to life.
Being a footballer at a high level comes with its pros and cons and some of the best memories and worst memories of my life to date but I have really enjoyed the journey and what it has taught me.
A high level equals high expectations and if you cannot deal with the environment you will not survive so you must be strong. HOWEVER.
I have taken a lot of time to think about this and experience these feelings and quite bluntly I will let you know.
THAT THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN…someone yelling at you because your one touch was bad. That your pass was not strong enough, that you let someone pass you. Obviously you don’t give up and you give it your soul to make sure it doesn’t happen but I tell you now. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO LIFE than accepting that that is your life.
Love football, love the game no matter what it has done to me and my passion keeps me playing. However, I need you to know that I understand if you don’t enjoy it sometimes but dont hate the game. It is not the game that you hate. Do not BLAME football for this.
So I have had about 4 interviews this week to do some online English teaching for companies this week. What an amazing experience and wow, the world continues to fascinate me.
Will be home with my family soon. I love you all.